[[*---Don't Catch Me As I Fall---*]]

Friday, February 25, 2005

I'll will learn to forget.

There's a scar under my mouth to remind me of all the pain and hurt I went through.
People close to me will know the significance of that scar.

I don't care how people see me.
You all can gossip and say all you want about me.

It takes alot of courage to put down your pride for the one you love.
Only those that are true about their feelings will understand what I mean.

I gonna live everyday like there's no tomorrow.

A same old brand new Lynn will be on the way.
=)

Lynnie black out at 3:25 PM

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Little gifts I got this week.

Postcards -Weipeng
Almond chocolates - Ching Ling

Lynnie black out at 1:46 PM

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I gonna doze off soon.
Tired is the best word to describe how I feel now.
FYP is gonna drain off all my energy.
One more month before my stress level decelerates.

MCOM assignment which is going to be due in 2 weeks time is not started.
I better pray hard that I can graduate by this April.

Relevant documents for university application is not sent to NTU yet.
Got my extra testimonial from Miss Ang today, hope it helps in the application.
Argh..
I actually misplaced my CCA testimonial yesterday and now I gonna pay $10 to replace it.

So many things to do, so little time.
So many thoughts to record down, too tired to do so.

I can't even think properly now.
My mind is already wondering to somewhere else.
Wondering to lala land...
I need to sleep...!

Anyway, its 15th of the 1st month of the lunar calendar.
Its also known as chinese valentine's day.
The moon gonna be round and shinning brightly.
Again, may all couples be forever in love...!
May all people in the world be loved...!
=)

Lynnie gonna get some sleep ...!

Lynnie black out at 4:56 PM

Monday, February 21, 2005

I feel enlighten listening to Lydia by F.I.R.
I never really appreciate the beauty of lyrics until recently.
Behind each song, there's a story to tell..
A message to be sent across.

Everything has an expiry date.
A can food can last for abt 3 years or so.
The life span of a hamster is around 3 years.
A dog can live for abt 10 years.
When a person dies, that's his/her expire date.

When does love expires?
Love is special.
It can expire in a couple of months, a year, 10 years or never expires at all.

If love could be canned, I wish for no expiry date.
=)

Lynnie black out at 9:37 AM

Sunday, February 20, 2005

"The sadness is just like the agony of quitting the things you love.
Everytime you get a relapse, the feelings overwhelm you till you're about to die.
After every relapse, you get better, then worst when the next relapse occurs."

I quoted this from a new friend I just knew.
You know exactly how I feel.
This is exactly what I feel now.

Lynnie black out at 2:16 AM

Yesterday..

Someone asked Girl "Do you still like him?"
Girl paused and looked down.
She answered "No."
She walked out of the auditorium and tears start to flow.
For the very 1st time in 2 weeks, she allowed herself to cry in school.
She thought she was freed.

For the 1st time in 2 weeks, the urge to cry in the morning is back.
She held back.
Its not how long you are tog with the person.
Its how much you feel for him/her.

She wants to be free.
She wants to fly without wings.

Lynnie black out at 1:14 AM

Friday, February 18, 2005

Someone said "When you are hurt to the max, you won't feel hurt anymore."
I guess this is true.

I don't mind getting hurt if the effort I put in was worth.
But from what I see and feel, it wasn't at that point of time.
The more I tried, the more upset I get.

When a girl falls in love deeply, she starts to do stupid things.
She stops using her mind to reason.
Instead, she uses her heart to do things.

Thats the beauty side of female.
We have feelings and emotions.

Holding on is painful.
I could hold on as well.
But one day I realise, letting go = to setting myself free.
I feel good now.

Loving in slience is good.
I din want to try to salvage anymore.
I don't mind getting hurt but I just din want the other party to feel irritated.
When he feels irritated, I dun feel good as well.
So what for waste all the effort when the outcome is predicted.
Maybe one day, the outcome would be different.
I don't know abt this and don't want to as well.
Just let nature take its course.

I'm sorry if I kept avoiding some people.
I'm just not ready open up myself to you like what I did last time.
Coz its different now.
I guess you know what I mean.
I'm sorry.

Lynnie black out at 8:33 PM

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Please stop asking me to consider other guys.
Either I love with all my heart or I don't love at all.
My heart has no space for others now.
Its occupied by you.

Lynnie black out at 1:21 PM

Life of a DBIT Year 3 student really sucks.
School revolves all abt FYP.
I interact more with computers than humans.
School life kinda sucks...!!
So lifeless.....!

I miss going to MLTs for lectures.
FYP is going to drain off my energy...!

I ate so much junk today.
But yet feel hungry all the time.
I eat like there's no tomorrow.
Gonna bring some snacks tml for times when I can't think of codes.

Got the sudden craving for cheesecakes and sushi...!!
When can I go for my cheesecakes tour with my cafe rock star...Benson!
Hope we both can make it this Saturday.

Watched Shall We dance with Waicheng at cine yesterday.
Nice show...!!
Richard Gere is so attractive..Jennifier Lopez is so pretty..!!
Drooling....=)...
Hahaha..

Been long since I watched movies.
Can't help but memories kept replaying in my mind.

I wana watch Constantine...!!
Constantine is the the kind of show I know you would watch.
Hmm..
But this time round.. I gonna watch it without you with me.

In this online world..
Is the only place where I could mention abt you freely.
The only place where I could 'talk' to you.
I feel so sadistic..hahaha..
But its ok.. I know I'm normal.

In this world of mine own, I can find you..
=)

Lynnie black out at 1:16 PM

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

This song is for you..
You know who you are...
Your friends really care for you..
They won't be sick of you.
They are more worried of your well being.
Take care gal...!
One day, you'll know what I mean..

Lynnie black out at 5:05 PM

Why do love can make some people change so much...?
When I lost him, I lost myself too.

Never in life I cried so much.
I never cried for any guy.
For him, I did.
I wonder if other gals that he loved before ever cried as much as I did...?

But its ok to cry..
Because I put my heart to love, thats why I cried so hard.
There will be a time that you'll stop crying..
The time when you stop is the time you realise there is much more things in life to appreciate.

I have learnt to love quietly..
The best way to love you is to really stop contacting you.
Though I don't see you anymore, I can feel that you are happier.
You don't msg me in msn anymore.
I guess you choose not to..
As long as you are happy, I'm contented.
=)

Lynnie black out at 4:45 PM

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

You may not see this but this entry is for you.

The best V day gift I could give you is by giving you nothing.

Hope you are coping well with your tests and other commitments.

Know what this means?

Happy Valentines Day...! =)

Lynnie black out at 3:07 PM

Lots of Love..
From Lynn

Lynnie black out at 2:55 PM

Gifts for my precious friends
=)

Lynnie black out at 2:50 PM

Happy Valentines Day!!

Happy Valentines Day!!
May all couples in the world be forever in love!!
And may all singles find their love soon...!! =)

I guess I gonna fail my MCOM test.
Din really know how to do.
I'll be thankful if I get at least 30 marks.

Why is it on V day, everyone seems to be extra lovey dovey?
Juz dun understand y guys can't give their gf flowers on normal days but during Vday?
Is it because its V day, so I gonna give her flowers that kind of thinking?

As usual, I made little gifts for my friends.
Its had been a habit for me to give my close friends something on V day.
I'm glad I did it this year as well.
I juz love the feeling of giving someone something.
I hope they all like what I gave them. =)
This year I made heart shaped cards out of the postcards I had collected.
Each card has a personalised message written by me and a heart shaped choco.
Though I'm not really good at arts and crafts, I'm glad the outcome wasn't too bad.

Today, most of us din stay for FYP after our MCOM test.
The school look so dead as well.
Maybe its due to test week or so.
Din even have much of V day atmosphere as well.
Went KTV with Ru,Agnes,Karen,PuayEng and Jiahui juz now.
Had lots of fun man~~!
Sang and laugh till I think I'm down wif sore throat.
Sang all the sad love songs.
They all knew which songs are chosen by me.. =P
But singing really relieve stress...!!
My V day is well spent. =)

V day to me is more of a friendship day.
Friends are like extra brothers and sisters God has given me.
I love all my friends...!! =)

Lynnie black out at 2:46 PM

Sunday, February 13, 2005

This is cozy bay.
You said to me we'll go there someday..
I'm awaiting for the day we could do so..

Lynnie black out at 12:35 PM

Mugging for mcom test..

Lynnie black out at 12:15 PM

I still keep the friendster msg u sent me last year.
U asked me to promote for ur club's ADD.

The day I officially met you was 26th March 2004.
At the SP SWING outing, I asked for your msn contact.
Ever since, you have always been in my mind.

The 3 weeks that you were in Vietnam,
Made me realised I'm in love with you.

The 1st movie we watched was Shrek 2.
The last movie was Bridget Jones Diary.
We started off with movies and ended of with the same thing.

I could still remember so much about you.
How much can you remember abt me?

Time spent together is not much.
But memories still stays on.

Because I love you, I gave you lots of freedom.
Because I love you, I don't mind we dun meet often.
As long as you think of me, I am contented.
I just want to be there when you need a listening ear.
That is me when I'm with you.

Until the last day, I told u I wan to end the r/s.
Its only because I love you I end it.
Have u ever understand how I felt when I did that?

I wanted to tell you I hadn't been good these 2 months.
But its only nonsense to you.

I still have so much to say to you.
I can only keep it to myself.
I long to meet you.

My friend told me this:
"He loses more than you do. He lost a gal that loves him deeply."
"You just lost a guy that dun loves you"

Is there a day, we could be like last time?
I miss you so much.

It feels good to be alone at home.
I can allow my tears to flow freely.

My tots can only be left here.
But not my tears.
I know u won't want to meet me.
I know u won't get to read this.

Its all of a sudden..
The urge to see you and to hear your voice is so strong.

I have to say.. I'm really sorry
I still love you..Alot..
My feelings for you don't just fade like that..

If ever one day, u need a listening ear..
I'll be there..

Lynnie black out at 5:40 AM

Numbing myself with vodlka is great.
Allowing me to get away from all the stress I had been going thru.

After effects of consuming too much vodlka

Laughing hysterically.
Losing the ability to think.
A natural blush face.
Losing the ability to stand still.

Great music at Phuture last night.
Freaking big crowds.

Clubbing is fun, but is this what I really like?
Or juz I wana numb myself tempoarily.
And realise that everything is still the same when I wake up in the morning.

You once asked me if stress could change a person.
I can tell you..
the answer is yes.
Juz look at me.

So many people commented how much I had slim down.
I juz replied "FYP stress".

Really realised how much I had changed ever since.
The only thing that din change is my love for you..
So many times, I wanted to sms/call you.
But the outcome is predicted.
It would only make myself feel worst.

The best way to love you is to stop bothering you.
Loving you quietly.
Its hurts..till now.

I can only confess myself in this online diary.

I have to be strong infront of pple that loves me.
Its hard but I have to do it.

I told them if i could eat normally.
Means I'm ok..I'm slowly getting over.
This is to assure them.
I am sorry to make them worry.

I'll eat normally, I promise.
I need to gain back what I had lost.
I dun like to be so thin.
Stupid..

Lynnie black out at 3:21 AM

Friday, February 11, 2005

Letting go is the best way to love..
But its also the most painful way..

Lynnie black out at 9:45 PM

Lynnie black out at 5:16 PM

On Chinese New Year Eve, I assigned a ringtone to his name.
I dun expect my phone to alert wif that tone.
I went over to my uncle's house next door at 12 plus.
When I came back, I got a miss call.
My heart skip.
A miss call from an unexpected person.
My phone did alert wif that ringtone..

Asked if call was meant for me.
What do u mean by replying with a forward msg?
If the call was made wrongly, jus say so..

Was that call meant for me...?

Lynnie black out at 3:50 PM

Taking a break from studying MCOM.

Chinese New Year is getting more boring as each year passes.
There's like not much atmosphere.
Maybe I'm getting older, so I felt this way.
Din really have a close relationship wif my cousins as well.
But it wasn't this way when we were young.
Dun wish to mention what caused our relationships to change.
Family matters..

Angbaos dun mean much to me either.
They r juz extra income.
I'm suppose to be happy to earn some cash without much efforts.
But this year, its juz different.
Money can't buy happiness.
Juz like my dad got me the phone that I wanted.
But i dun feel much happiness.
Its not even something that I earned for.
For my past 2 phones, I bought it using the money I earned as a waitress.
It meant so much to me when I owned the stuff that I earned for.

The best part of new year is that I get to spend more time with my dad.
Some close friends of mine din even know my dad works abroad.
I somehow grow up wif juz my mom taking care of me and my sliblings.
But we din turn out to be bad kids.
Really feels good to spend quality time wif my family.
When my dad is ard, I get to eat lots of good food.
We would go for supper everynight.

My aunties commented that I look slimmer.
They told me to eat more...!
Been hearing this so often.
Some tot I was Sheila..! -_-|||
Dun I look like 20 years old??!!
Do I still look like some teenage kid?
Whahaha..
Not that I wanted to look old..
Juz feel amazed by y they tot I was my younger sis.

A few pics to end off this entry..

CNY Goodies!!

Mum & Dad

Me and Audrey

Lynnie black out at 3:25 PM

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

CNY morning

Yeah..its CNY eve morning..
I'm stuck at home..
Term break commends yesterday..
Stupid... During CNY season...

I deleted some of my past entries.
Looking back, I was really silly.

Been like 2 months since sch reopen..
More then 6 weeks since Christmas Eve.
He choose to leave when I needed him most.
Ever since, I started to do stupid stuffs..
Hahaha...Really feel like a fool.
Its obvious he had gave enough hints its nt possible for us to be tog.
At that time, I still hang on.
Its only until yesterday I realised..
Maybe it wasn't meant to be from the start.
If I could,
I wish to turn back time and never let it start.
Its difficult to be friends.
Now, I know why.
I could still rem he once told me we could last thru chinese new year.
Haha.. we couldn't even make it to xmas.

I should be contented that he is leading a good life now.
He have always been leading a good life.
Its juz at that point of time, I became a burden.
Its sad to think back.
Saying good bye seems to be the hardest word.

One of my frens told me,
He prefer to see me hating someone than loving someone.
He said it wasn't my character to be hanging on like that.
I know what he meant.

I hide all the stuffs that would remind me of him.
I avoided spinnovex though I wanted to visit my frens.
But that doesn't stop me from thinking.
Its difficult to stop when its already inside for so long.
It never leaves.

Thanks for all my frens for knocking sense into me all this while.
And of coz my beloved family, for loving me the way I'm.
My dad for cooking/buying food for me whenever I'm hungry.
My mom fortaking care of me when I was sick.
My sis, Sheila for encouraging me thru the bad times.
Wen, for letting me see thru facts..
Nana, for acc me when I wanted to cry.
Ru, for tolerating my nonsense during FYP.
And many more that had been wif me for that time.

The best way to repay them is to be back myself.
A better Lynn.

My tears had dried up.
I dun long for love between 2.
Its difficult for me to fall in love again.
Unless I could meet someone that could really change my mind.

V day is coming in a weeks time.
I know its stupid, I wanted to give him a prezzie.
And the prezzie I wanted to give him is the thing call "Letting go".

Hope he is able to receive what I want to give him.
=)

I have moved on..
Though its seems to take abit long, I'm glad I'm out of it.

I eat like a pig now.
Hahaha!
Anyone onz for good food after CNY??
Sakae, Fish&Co, N.Y.D.C,Marche,Ajisen!!
I crave for cheesecakes....!!
Been quite sometime since I have them...!!

Lastly, Gong XI FA CAI pple!!
Hope u guys had a great CNY!!

Lynnie black out at 5:45 AM

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Lynnie black out at 12:38 AM

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Online world..

In this online world..
I can only send u my thoughts..
But not my tears..

Extracted from somewhere...
exactly what I'm feeling now....

Lynnie black out at 10:38 AM

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Purest of Pain

"Purest of Pain"

Sorry didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight
I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide and
So I surrender just to hear your voice

I don't know how many times I said I'm gonna live without you and
Maybe there is someone else standing there beside you but
There is something that you need to know
Deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you, it's all that I'm asking

Vida, give me back my fantasy
The courage that I need to live
The air that I breathe
Carino mio my world's become so empty
The days are so cold and lonely
Each night I taste, the purest of pain

I wish I could tell you that I'm feeling better everyday
That it didn't hurt when you walked away
But to tell you the truth I can't find my way
And deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you, it's all that I'm asking

Lynnie black out at 12:43 AM

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

New beginning

I need a new start.
Realized I had wasted 2 months torturing myself.

I tried to eat today but the amount I eat is not enough for my body to function.
Ate Fried Udon at FC6 for lunch.
Only managed to take 1/2 of it.
Had my daily serving of fruits as well.

Went somerset to service the E800C.
On the way there, I started to feel nauseous.
When i alighted from the bus, the nauseousness became stronger.
I wanted to vomit but nothing came out.
There's juz too much gastric juice in me.
The feeling is terrible.
I think I muz had scared Nana.
We went over to 7-11 at paragon,got a hot drink and some biscuits.
I forced myself to eat 2 biscuits in order not to let Nana worry.

I used to enjoy eating alot.
The amount I used to eat is really big.
Now, I juz eat to live.
I feel tired easily due to lack of food.
I juz wana sleep my day thru.
I dun have to think abt anything when I sleep.

Pple say I think too much.
But they have no ideal how heartbroken I am.
Its juz a personal thing which no one can understand except myself.

While I was blog surfing, I came across agnes's fren's blog.
I totally understand how she feels.
Crying in the morning..
Becoming from someone that is enthu abt all things to someone irriating and weak.
Trying all sorts of way to salvage..
Hurting oneself physically so that physical pain can overcome emotional pain.. at least for awhile...
No mood to focus on anything..
Dwelling on negative tots that deprive me of time doing more useful stuff..
Devotion of love not understood..
Going back to square 1 after knowing the consequences..
Its all so familiar to me..
Reading her blog, I totally see myself.

Chatted wif one of my senior juz now.
He knows what had happened.
Asking me how's life all those.
Told him I was ok, juz gonna live wif what happen.
He said I dun sound optimistic enough.
He could feel it online, no need to even see me in person.
I was told I gonna make an impact in my life.
Live everyday like there's no tomorrow.

Its really true..
Again I was told..
Time is all I needed..
I need something to hit me really hard before I could step out of it.
I guess I am already been hit enough times..

I hate pple telling me how thin I'm now.
Its something I dun want to remind myself of.
Freaking tired of all these.

I must step out of that shell of sadness and isolation.
I can't hide myself forever.
There are better things in life for me to look forward to.
This is juz a passing stage of my life..

Now its already 1st of Feb 2005.
From now on, a same old brand new Lynn will come along.
No more of the Lynn that u all see in the past 2 months.
I know its hard but I'll try..

Now its time to get supper~
Hahaha..
Eating before bedtime can gain weight easily!!

Lynnie black out at 4:31 PM

Tired

Blogging early in the morning @ home..
Juz wana write my tots somewhere...

I got the wana vomit feeling again..
I guess its due to not eating much again..
Loss of appiette..
The amount I eat per day now is relevant to a meal I used to eat..

I know alot of people had been really concern for me..
Knowing I don't eat...
My dad is one of them..
He would keep asking me to eat when he sees me eating little..
He would constantly ask if I want anything and he would go down and buy for me.
I feel like crying when I tot of what he said..
I seems to worry alot of pple that loves me by my actions..
Torturing myself till I see doc 3 times in 5 weeks..

Agnes wrote something for me in her blog..
Michelle called me yesterday to ask me to eat more.
She said I'm too thin..
Alot of pple noticed that I'm unhappy for the past weeks.
Its like the worst semester of my poly life..
I feel unworth and inferior..
I am scared when I look myself in the mirror.
I can't see the Lynn that is once smiling and laughing whole heartedly.
All I see is a hagged and thin Lynn ..

Looking back, the peak of my poly life is during year 2nd semester..
Where everything is gg fine for me,
I got my frens,
I do stuff that I like.
I am recognised for my efforts.
But these r all in the past.

Now, I'm standing alone..
To face all the obstacles..
Its pretty tiring..
Very.. I can't sleep and eat well..
Resulting in what I'm now..
Maybe its a matter that I can't accept failure...?
Or its a matter I can't accept pple dun love me like they used to..?

I got this really empty feeling in my heart.
I used to be really active in club activities.
Club used to be very important to me and I would do anything for it.
Now, I had stepped down.
I'm juz a nobody..
Even if I offer help, it might not be appreciated..
Its ok coz I had been thru that stage too..

Its juz like I show my care for him now..
Its excess...
I am doing only to hurt myself more...
It truely hurts..
It hurts so much bcoz my feelings for him is true.
Very true..
The best way to love is to let go..
How many times have pple told me this...
Yes..
He has get on with his life and I am still stuck here..

I feel jealous seeing couples lasting so long and they could talk things out...
The hurt I'm feeling truely reflects on me physically..
Loss of weight and appeitte..
I used to be 48kg.. Now I'm 44..
Pretty scarey...
Loss of confidence and so much more..

I truely love him and wish for the best for him..
Does he understand by intentions....?
I could only quietly hope for the best for him..
As I said, my care and concern is excess..

I guess its better to be loved than loving someone that dun loves u at all?

Someday... which I duno when...
I would still like to thank him for what he had given me for the short few months..
I had really learn alot..
Learn to love in a better way..
Learn that I can really love..
Learn to let go...

I know his intentions of totally isolating me..
He din want to give me hope so that I can get over faster..
Coz ever since that day, it has already been one sided..

Someday, maybe we could still be friends....?
Coz I dun wan a person that is truely nice and close to me once juz leave like tat..
Coz I really treasure pple ard me..

Now is really time for me to get on..
Think thru what I really want in life..
Achieve my goals..

Time will heal everything...
Yes.. I have to believe in this..

Now I long for is to be able to sleep and eat well..
Gain back my weight.. I wana be 50 kg..
Do my FYP well..
Live my life happily for the rest of the semester..

Lynnie black out at 1:02 AM