[[*---Don't Catch Me As I Fall---*]]

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Tired

Blogging early in the morning @ home..
Juz wana write my tots somewhere...

I got the wana vomit feeling again..
I guess its due to not eating much again..
Loss of appiette..
The amount I eat per day now is relevant to a meal I used to eat..

I know alot of people had been really concern for me..
Knowing I don't eat...
My dad is one of them..
He would keep asking me to eat when he sees me eating little..
He would constantly ask if I want anything and he would go down and buy for me.
I feel like crying when I tot of what he said..
I seems to worry alot of pple that loves me by my actions..
Torturing myself till I see doc 3 times in 5 weeks..

Agnes wrote something for me in her blog..
Michelle called me yesterday to ask me to eat more.
She said I'm too thin..
Alot of pple noticed that I'm unhappy for the past weeks.
Its like the worst semester of my poly life..
I feel unworth and inferior..
I am scared when I look myself in the mirror.
I can't see the Lynn that is once smiling and laughing whole heartedly.
All I see is a hagged and thin Lynn ..

Looking back, the peak of my poly life is during year 2nd semester..
Where everything is gg fine for me,
I got my frens,
I do stuff that I like.
I am recognised for my efforts.
But these r all in the past.

Now, I'm standing alone..
To face all the obstacles..
Its pretty tiring..
Very.. I can't sleep and eat well..
Resulting in what I'm now..
Maybe its a matter that I can't accept failure...?
Or its a matter I can't accept pple dun love me like they used to..?

I got this really empty feeling in my heart.
I used to be really active in club activities.
Club used to be very important to me and I would do anything for it.
Now, I had stepped down.
I'm juz a nobody..
Even if I offer help, it might not be appreciated..
Its ok coz I had been thru that stage too..

Its juz like I show my care for him now..
Its excess...
I am doing only to hurt myself more...
It truely hurts..
It hurts so much bcoz my feelings for him is true.
Very true..
The best way to love is to let go..
How many times have pple told me this...
Yes..
He has get on with his life and I am still stuck here..

I feel jealous seeing couples lasting so long and they could talk things out...
The hurt I'm feeling truely reflects on me physically..
Loss of weight and appeitte..
I used to be 48kg.. Now I'm 44..
Pretty scarey...
Loss of confidence and so much more..

I truely love him and wish for the best for him..
Does he understand by intentions....?
I could only quietly hope for the best for him..
As I said, my care and concern is excess..

I guess its better to be loved than loving someone that dun loves u at all?

Someday... which I duno when...
I would still like to thank him for what he had given me for the short few months..
I had really learn alot..
Learn to love in a better way..
Learn that I can really love..
Learn to let go...

I know his intentions of totally isolating me..
He din want to give me hope so that I can get over faster..
Coz ever since that day, it has already been one sided..

Someday, maybe we could still be friends....?
Coz I dun wan a person that is truely nice and close to me once juz leave like tat..
Coz I really treasure pple ard me..

Now is really time for me to get on..
Think thru what I really want in life..
Achieve my goals..

Time will heal everything...
Yes.. I have to believe in this..

Now I long for is to be able to sleep and eat well..
Gain back my weight.. I wana be 50 kg..
Do my FYP well..
Live my life happily for the rest of the semester..

Lynnie black out at 1:02 AM